Jokes and video or funny stuff

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While flying down the road, a woman passes over a bridge only to get pulled over by a cop with a radar gun laying in wait on the other side...The cop pulls her over and with that classical patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked "whats your hurry?"
"Im late for work."she replies.. "oh yeah" said the cop "And what do you do?" Im a rectum stretcher she replied.. The cop stammered, "A What?!?" A rectum stretcher. Just what does a rectum stretcher do?!?!?! Well she replied "I start off by inserting 1 finger then 2 and 3 then 4 untill i get my whole hand it. Then i work it till i get both hands and continue till i get it 6 ft" ..
"And just what the HELL would you do with a 6 ft Asshole?" he asked.....

yall ready for this?!!?!?!


You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!!!!!

$95 ticket
$45 court cost
look on the cops face.......PRICELESS!!!!!

You know how the CIA, FBI, and NYPD are always argueing over whos the better agency... Well the President decided enough was enough.. He released a rabbit in to a forest and said who ever finds the rabbit is the better agency... The CIA goes in and send animal informats.. After 2 year they come out and say theres not rabbit.. The FBI goes in bugs the forest with spy cams and audio mics.. they come out 6 months later and say No rabbit.. Finally the NYPD goes in and come out 2 hours later with a badly beaten bear, and the bears screaming................ OK I GIVE I GIVE IM THE RABBIT IM THE RABBIT!!!!!!!!

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, We're not trying to
find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

TRUE STORY

THE LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were
devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and
around the area. One of the local television stations in south
Louisiana aired an interview with a black woman from New
Orleans . The interviewer was a woman from a Boston
affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and
complete devastation of the churches in the area had
affected their lives. Without hesitation, the woman replied,
'I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't
gone to Churches in years. We get our chicken from
Popeye's'.
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

BUSTED DOGS!!

http://www.maniacworld.com/which-is-the-guilty-dog.html

Baptist Cowboy





A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there..

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though...'

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head,
took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the
snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good here in the South!

Square Testicles
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The
president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked

the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'